We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
