I wish my penis had an off switch
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
