im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
