: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
