I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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