Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
