Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
