Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
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