mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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