I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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