It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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