tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
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