I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
