I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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