respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
