i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Randomize
