i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Randomize
