Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
