I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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