My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Randomize
