Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize