If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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