Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
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