Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
