We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
