well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
