I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
