the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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