he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize