hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize