I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
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