i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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