Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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