GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
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