so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
