worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Randomize
