best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
