I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
