someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize