Please, let me fuck your mom
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
