Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
