did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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