I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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