im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
