I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
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