He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
