i think my tv is drunk
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
