The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Is this like a preordered booty call?
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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