Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
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