Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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