i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize
