the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
