Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Im part way to drunk.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
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