At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
