why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
