Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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