Please, let me fuck your mom
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
