I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
You made out with two different species that night
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
