Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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