I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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