I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
