Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
