I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
