someone threw a dead crab at me
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I looked at my own cervix.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
