I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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