I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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