I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
