It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
