one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
