I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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