News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
