Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
