Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
