1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
high people should be assigned attendants
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
