Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
